August 2012 archive

Herbed Turkey Cupcakes

(As featured on PRIMAL COMPETITOR!)

I watched 4 hours straight of TiVo’d episodes of Cupcake Wars last night…and I felt like I wanted to kick a puppy the whole time because while no, cupcakes are not Paleo, they’re even moreso not competition-friendly.  Yes, I have a weekly cheat meal, but cheat meals are not even cheat meals anymore.  For example, Saturday night I went out with some co-workers and had two–TWO!!–glasses of red wine.  My ONE cheat for the week was red wine.  Um, if you know me at all, you’ll know that until I started this whole thing, two glasses of red wine did not constitute a cheat…two glasses of red wine was a well-balanced breakfast.  Just kidding.  Not really.  Um, wait, what?

OK back to cupcakes.  While I was about to chew my arm off watching bakers go nuts over their creations for the Wedding, I was also perusing M&F Hers and found a recipe for turkey meatballs.  It took a sec, but then I was like, HOLY CRAP…Meatballs + Cupcakes = Turkey Cupcakes.  No need to thank me, I’m just a genius like that.

To give these an extra nutrient boost and pump up the volume a bit, I minced a bunch of veggies and added them to the mix.  They’re super flavorful and moist this way and it’s a sneaky way to get extra veggies in at dinner or snack time.  They’re awesome cold for breakfast, too ;-)


2 lbs Ground Turney

1 Duck Egg (or 1 chicken egg + 1 egg white)

1/2 Onion

1 Bell Pepper

3 c Fresh Spinach

1/4 t Black Pepper

1/4 t Dried Basil

1 t Dried Rosemary


Finely mince the onion, spinach, and bell pepper using a food processor.  Combine with the turkey, egg, and seasonings.

Line 8 Muffin cups with foil liners–I used big ones so depending on the size of your tins you may end up with more.

Bake for 30-35 minutes at 350 degrees.

**Nutrition Facts**

(1/8 of Recipe)

Calories:  162

Fat:  9 g

Protein:  17.6 g

Carbs:  1.5 g

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The Best Effing Protein Pancakes I’ve Ever Had

Oh yeah, I’m 110% serious.

So this morning I fell out of the sky right on my ass and now it’s broken.  Well, to be fair I jumped out of a helicopter completely on my own accord.  And my ass is not broken, but bruised badly and it hurts to sit, run, bend over…you name it.  This is not good.  In fact, it sucks real bad.

But you know what makes everything better?  Motherf*cking pancakes, that’s what.


1 Very Ripe Banana

1 Egg (or 2 egg whites)

1 scoop Vanilla Whey Protein Powder

1 T Ground Flax

1/4 t Vanilla


Mash the banana and beat the egg, protein powder, flax, and vanilla to make a batter.

Cook over medium-low heat for 2-3 minutes on one side till browned, then flip and repeat.  This recipe makes 3 big pancakes.

Top with almond butter or fruit.

**Nutrition Facts**

Calories:  284

Fat:  5.5 g

Protein:  30 g

Carbohydrate:  35 g

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TGIPaleo Bread

I ordered my first pack of Paleo Bread last week.  I was more than a little curious and super excited to make some egg and bacon sandwiches, French toast, and almond butter and jelly sandwiches.  Unfortunately, I got my box today and the bread was COVERED in mold.  Yummy!!

I’m totally going to try again and see if there is a way to expedite my shipment next time–oh, the perils of not stuffing your products with preservatives!  I really, really want to try the stuff and I’m so excited that there’s a booming market for Paleo products.  BUT since I’d been anticipating such bread-y wonders all effing week, I was f*cking furious.  So I got baking.

The ingredients listed for Paleo Bread’s coconut variety are simple–egg whites, coconut flour, water, psyllium, baking soda, and apple cider vinegar.  I started with these as a base and messed around with proportions a bit.  Then I ended up adding a few touches of my own but I think the result was exactly what the doctor ordered!

This bread isn’t too strongly flavored–perfect for sandwiches!–and is sturdy enough to hold whatever you want…eggs, nut butter, lunch meat, etc.  This weekend, I’m going to be making some serious French toast…oh, don’t you worry!


1/2 c Coconut Flour

1/2 c Ground Flax

1/4 c Arrowroot Flour

1.5 t Baking Soda

1/2 t Salt

1.5 c Egg Whites (you can also use 6 whole eggs)

1/2 c Applesauce

1 T Apple Cider Vinegar


Whisk together the dry ingredients.  Add the egg whites and applesauce and combine well–no lumps!  Let the batter sit for 5 minutes.  Stir in the apple cider vinegar.

Pour batter into a greased loaf pan.

Bake at 325 degrees for 1 hour.

**Nutrition Facts**

(1/16 of recipe)

Calories:  60

Fat:  2.6

Protein:  4.2

Carbs:  4.2

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Spicy Aztec Brownies

Don’t know if Aztecs would have eaten a spicy Paleo brownie, but these are definitely Mayan!!  HAHA!!

I know, I’m hilarious.  Thankfully no one could hear me talking last weekend because they were eating my brownies.  I mean, Holy Crap…SO GOOD.

I was in Boulder this past weekend visiting my sister and staying at my cousin’s house…and the biggest mistake anyone can make is giving me free reign of their kitchen.  Especially a NICE kitchen.  Among other things (Bacon Pie, anyone??), these little nuggets of glory were born.  And quickly consumed.  Ah, such is the circle of life.


1 c Palm Shortening (or Coconut Butter)

4 oz Baking Chocolate, melted in 1 T Coconut Oil

1/2 c Raw Honey

1/2 c Full Fat Coconut Milk

2 t Vanilla

3 Eggs, beaten

1/4 c Cocoa Powder

1 T Arrowroot Powder

1 t Baking Soda

1/2 t Cinnamon

1/8 t Nutmeg

1/4 t Cayenne Pepper (add an extra 1/4 t for a real kick!)

1 c Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips


Cream together the palm shortening, melted chocolate, eggs, honey, vanilla, and coconut milk.

Combine all of the dry ingredients and the seasonings.  Add the dry ingredients to the wet and combine well.

Pour into a greased 9×9 inch baking pan.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes.

Remove from the oven and, while the brownies are still hot, sprinkle the chocolate chips on top and allow to melt slightly.

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Primal Protein Pancakes

Yeah, after a whole week of lean meat and egg whites for breakfast I was a hair short of a complete meltdown this weekend…thankfully, pancakes never fail to make everything–EVERYTHING–better.

I got my tub of Simply Pure Nutrients protein powder in the mail on Friday and ever since I’ve been going positively nuts trying to find every conceivable way to put it in everything–it’s THAT GOOD.  It’s got a coconut base and more fat than your run-of-the-mill protein powder, but I think that’s why it actually tastes good.  Funny how that works.


(Serves 1)

1 1/2 T Coconut Flour

1 scoop Protein Powder (I use Simply Pure Nutrients Pro3 Synergy Fuel)

4 Egg Whites

1/4 t Baking Soda

1/2 t Vanilla

Toppings of Choice


Beat your egg whites until frothy.  Add the coconut flour, protein powder, and vanilla and whisk until smooth.  Let stand for 5 minutes.

Heat a *lightly* greased skillet over medium heat.  Pour 1/4 c batter onto skillet, cook for 2-3 minutes on one side, then flip and cook for another 2 minutes.  Repeat with remaining batter.

For the topping pictured, heat 1/2 c blueberries in the microwave for 30 seconds.  Let cool slightly and pour over pancakes.


(For pancakes only)

Calories:  224

Fat:  4.2 g

Protein:  31 g

Carbs:  12 g

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Frosted Doughnut Muffins

Bet you guys thought all the good stuff was gone since I went off the deep end, huh?  Well, don’t you worry your pretty little heads over me and my subsistence on nothing but chicken, fish, and sweet potatoes.  I think the lack of variety in my diet is making me want to cook elaborate (and sweet!!  and chocolate!!) meals for everyone else around me.  As soon as Ross gets home for good at the end of the month…it’s on.  I guess I’m just trying to make everyone around me fatter so I look thinner…?

This weekend I drove up to Boulder to meet my sister–she’s midway through a cross country road trip and our cousins let us all come crash at their place.  Like the good Paleo sister I am, I wanted to make sure she had some delicious Paleo treats to take with her for a few days.  And a good breakfast is a fundamental part of your day, road tripping or not.  Thus, the Doughnut Muffin was born…

This muffin reminds me a lot of the classic yellow cake doughnuts with just a hint of spice from the cinnamon and nutmeg.  I frosted them with a richer, vanilla flavored frosting, but they’re phenomenal plain or with some almond butter!



1/2 c Butter or Palm Shortening

1/2 c Honey

1/3 c Palm Sugar

6 Eggs

1 t Baking Soda

1/2 t Ground Nutmeg

1 t Cinnamon

3/4 t Salt

1 t Vanilla

1 c Coconut Milk

1/2 c + 1 T Coconut Flour

**Creamy Vanilla Frosting**

1 c Palm Shortening

1 T Honey

3 T Coconut Milk

1 T Palm Sugar

1 t Vanilla


Cream the butter with the honey and palm sugar.  Add the eggs, one by one, beating well.

Whisk together all dry ingredients.  Alternately, add some of the dry mixture and some of the coconut milk, blending well until everything is combined.  Finally, add the vanilla.

Spoon batter into paper liners or greased muffin cups.

Bake at 325 degrees for 30 minutes.

For the frosting, beat the palm shortening, honey, palm sugar. coconut milk, and vanilla until smooth.

Frost muffins when cooled to room temperature.

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Spicy Ginger Pan-Seared Salmon

So…guess what I just did?  No, you’re not hallucinating (although maybe I am)…I’m doing a figure competition.  In an attempt to avoid losing any more readership than I already have after dropping this ball on the world, I started a new blog to document my experience–I’m still Paleo but I’m changing up the structure of my meals and my workouts quite a bit.  I’m already a week into it and frankly I’m impressed my marriage has survived this much of the madness…Go ahead, get your digs in now…

OK moving on.  Like 95% of the diet my first week of competition prep was salmon and sweet potatoes.  Or sweet potatoes and salmon.  God, 12 weeks of this is gonna get old.  Anyhow, in an attempt to make the whole thing less boring I’ve been throwing all kinds of seasonings together with all of the “safe sauces” I own–coconut aminos, fish sauce, lemon/lime juices, mustard, vinegar, you name it.  And go figure, a few of them have been nastified on par with raw sewage.  Fish sauce and mustard do NOT belong together, just sayin’.  BUT I did hit on this little gem of a combo last night and figured, what the hell, I haven’t been cooking much for the blog since the Vegan Series…let’s share a Paleo Bodybuilding Recipe that doesn’t taste like paper.


6 oz Salmon

2 t Coconut Oil

2 t Coconut Aminos

2 t Fresh Grated Ginger

1/4 t Cayenne Pepper

1/4 t Paprika

Salt and Pepper to taste


Pat the salmon dry with paper towels.  Brush each side with the coconut oil and sprinkle with the seasonings.

Sear over medium heat for about 3-4 minutes on each side.

If you’re trying to lean out, serve with steamed veggies.  If you’re a normal person, serve with something delicious.

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Cashew Cream Cheesecake

It’s Paleo!  It’s Vegan!  It’s Raw!  Pretty sure ANYONE could eat this cheesecake.  Peace through dessert, that’s what I always say!  Except if you have a nut allergy.  Crap.

This isn’t an original recipe by any means–When PaleOMG’s Caramel Cheesecake was born a couple months ago I was all over it like a fat kind on…Paleo cheesecake.  Since then, I’ve made it thrice more, each time screwing a little with the ingredients (and doubling the amount of filling to put over the crust to make a bigger cake and satiate the 400-pound woman who lives inside me) and using raw instead of roasted nuts after my nut crisis.

Best thing, though, while I was wringing my hands trying to come up with a good Paleo/Vegan dessert to finish off this series, it hit me that all I would have to do to make this recipe Vegan-friendly was replace the honey with maple syrup.  And, I mean, it gave me an excuse to make it again.  Darn.

When making this cake, the most important thing to keep in mind is that you 1) need to soak the raw nuts just the right amount of time so they are neither too dry nor too bitter/mushy ans 2) blend everything for the filling VERY well so that it is a smooth, cheesecake-like consistency.  The first time I made this with raw instead of roasted nuts I ended up with a grittier texture than I would have liked, so please-please-PLEASE make sure you’re running the food processor long enough.



1 c Raw Almond Butter

1 c Unsweetened Shredded Coconut

2/3 c Raw Chopped Pecans

1 T Coconut Butter

1 T Maple Syrup

1/4 t Salt


3 c Raw Cashews, soaked and drained

1 c Coconut Oil, softened

1 c Maple Syrup

Juice of 1 Lemon

1/4 c Coconut Milk

2 t Vanilla


To soak your cashews, put the raw nuts in a bowl and cover with cold water and a pinch of salt.  Then place the bowl in the refrigerator and allow to soak for 4-6 hours.  Don’t soak for more than 24 hours or they will become bitter.

Generously grease a springform pan with coconut oil and place in the freezer.

To make the crust, combine almond butter, coconut, pecans, coconut butter, salt, and syrup in a food processor.  Pulse at first to combine everything, then run the processor until you have a sticky but smooth-looking mass.  Scoop it out and press into the bottom of your springform pan and place back in the freezer.

For the filling, drain the cashews but don’t let them get too dry.  Place the cashews in the food processor and pulse until they are a fine consisitency.  Add the coconut oil, syrup, lemon juice, coconut milk, and vanilla.  Run the food processor for 3-5 minutes until you have a very smooth, creamy mixture.  Pour the filling over the crust (the crust doesn’t have to be completely frozen at this point).  Place the cheesecake back in the freezer for at least 3 hours, until firm.

Enjoy!  Then follow me on Twitter!

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Paleo AND Vegan Sandwich Bread

Can I just say something here?  Baked good that are both Paleo AND Vegan are a little hard to make.  I mean, holy crap…I can’t use eggs.  I can’t use wheat flour.  I can’t use xanthan gum.  I can’t use 90% of the gluten free flours out there…sooo, hey, let’s make bread out of NOTHING!!

OK, it wasn’t out of nothing…I just had to get creative with…not a lot.

I’ll admit up front that if you’re fat phobic at all, you’ll likely not want to eat this bread.  But you knew from the start of this little Vegan Venture that I was not going to give up my most beloved macronutrient.  Luckily, the fat content of this bread makes it really filling and I’ll say it made a very nice little breakfast for a few days.  I also experimented with some open-faced sandwichmaking–might I recommend this spinach and chutney combo…

Made me feel all exotic and creative when I really just had a ton of chutney left over.  That’s economics, people.

Anyhoo, the texture of this bread is definitely more of a quick bread, so it’s not going to bend and fold like a lot of commercial options, but it does the job.  Not too bad for making bread out of nothing.  I could be a Vegan Jesus…

Wait..wait…I’d be amiss if I didn’t ask you to follow me on Twitter!  Please??


1/2 c Coconut Flour

1 t Salt

1 t Baking Soda

1/2 c Flax Meal

1 c Palm Shortening

1 c + 2 T Applesauce (make sure it’s at room temp)


Preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

Combine the palm shortening and applesauce.  Add the flax, salt, and baking soda.  One tablespoon at a time, add the coconut flour and beat until you have a stiff dough.

Press the dough into a greased loaf pan.  Bake for 55-60 minutes until a knife inserted comes out clean.  Cool COMPLETELY before cutting into slices.

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Vegan Roasted Garlic and Veggie Sweet Potato Pizza

Personally, the idea of a Vegan pizza was a little daunting.  During my Vegan phase–yes, I had a Vegan phase…and I don’t like to talk about it–I did a lot of pizza.  Granted, it was easier then because I was willing to eat wheat and bean flours that definitely make it easier to get a good crust.  A Paleo/Vegan pizza crust was, well, a f*cking nightmare.  It might be some grand universal balancing act–like if I’m not going to kill animals for one meal I’m going to end up massacring twice the weight in plant-based products–or I might just be too stubborn to throw in the towel and make my beloved MEATZA.

Either way, I managed to come up with something acceptable based on my cauliflower-based version.  I say acceptable because, as always, I was dying to throw a kilo of bacon on top.  Totally not bitter at all.



1/2 Large Head of Cauliflower, grated

1/2 c Ground Flax

1/4 c Coconut Milk

1/4 c Arrowroot Powder

1 t Italian Seasoning

Salt and Pepper to taste


1 Large Sweet Potato

1/2 Sweet Onion, chopped

4-5 Cloves Garlic, roughly chopped

1/2 Bell Pepper, sliced

1 c Fresh Spinach

1 c Sliced Mushrooms

1 c Marinara Sauce

1 T Olive Oil


For the crust…

Grate the cauliflower with a food processor or cheese grater.  Place in a microwave-safe bowl and nuke for 5 minutes.

Add the flax, water, seasoning, and arrowroot powder.  Mix well until you have a soft, sticky dough.  Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes (while you’re prepping the toppings!).

Spread out on a greased baking pan.  Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes until golden brown.  Make sure it’s cooked all the way through!! (This was the challenge for me without the eggs…you want to make sure the crust is almost like a big cracker).  Remove from the oven and let rest for 5 minutes before adding toppings.

For the toppings…

Slice your sweet potato with a mandolin slicer or by hand–either way you want round discs.  Place the sweet potatoes and garlic in a bowl and combine with 1 T of the olive oil.  Spread out on a baking dish and roast at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.

Cover the crust with fresh spinach, then layer the sweet potatoes, then the onion and mushroom mixture.

Heat the oven to BROIL, and bake the pizza for 5-8 minutes longer.

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